DEAD SEA RESULTS ARE IN: SATAN WAS VICTIM, NOT VILLAIN

Excerpt from Divine Play, pp. 786

THE WALLSTREET SATELLITE JOURNAL
Monday, FEBRUARY 18, 2037

[San Marinate, Neva Beach] The Huntington Library announced that hologrammic copies of a new set of Dead Sea Scrolls were available to qualified researchers. According to archeologist Lukken Themud, PhD, who supervised the most recent excavation, these leather and papyrus manuscripts were found in 2017 in a previously undiscovered cave “around in the back” of the eleven caves near the northwestern shore of the Dead Sea, in which the first Dead Sea Scrolls were found, beginning in the late 1940s.

According to Dr. Themud, these documents, written in Hebrew, Aramaic and Greek, comprise a new book of the Apocrypha, known as the “Book of Bewilderment.” “It’s certainly bewildering us,” says biblical scholar Wegot Dibbs, Ph.D., former director of the Palestinian-Israeli Antiquities Authority. “This book turns the story of the Fall on its head and reverses the roles of Satan as villain and Adam and Eve as victims.” He explains that in this version, Satan, God’s favorite angel, is seduced by Eve into stealing fruit for her from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil in Paradise. When the three are expelled from the Garden for this treachery, a vengeful A & E convince Satan to lead his cohorts into a campaign of guerilla warfare against God and his angelic paramilitary force. Faster than one can say “Grenada,” Satan et al. are crushed underfoot.

Predictably, God spares A & E and casts them further into the world, reasoning that childbirth, disease and a forty-hour workweek is sufficient punishment for their wickedness. The Mother and Father of Mankind proceed to bicker and mate for several hundred years, or, as the Bible says, “to multiply and refinish the earth.” In the process they invent most of civilization’s most popular crimes, including murder, rape, robbery, fraud, and distribution of controlled substances.

A & E assign Satan the task of designing lesser, more esoteric offenses against God and man. Some of the sins fabricated by Satan are:
• plaustraperditry, abandoning one’s shopping cart at the unloading point rather than
returning it to the supermarket corral;
• impedivection, accelerating one’s vehicle to prevent someone else’s car from cutting in;
• gestarmuqusion, sneezing into one’s hand and surreptitiously wiping it on one’s garments;
• insolentiality, making rude replies to telemarketers; and
• simulaecarism, pretending not to see someone in a public place.

“We always knew the Lord had names for these iniquities,” says Revv. Tloom Varroom, chairman of the Council of Obsessive Christians, Hindus, Jews and Islamics Everywhere for the Cultivation of Overzealousness (COOCHJIECOO). “It’s nice to know that even sins can get a make-over.”

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About Tom Ukinski

Tom Ukinski is an attorney in state government in the Midwest. He's been writing plays, novels, short stories, comedy sketches and screenplays for many years.
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