I Think, Therefore Whatever

Utrecht, 1637.  In an upper room of his domicile, Rene Descartes, chair in Philosophy at the University of Utrecht and founder of Cartesian physics, bearded and bewigged, and dressed in characteristic cravat, vest and cape, is seated at a table, holding a quill pen in his hand, writing his Discours de la Methode (“Discourse on the Method”).

 Descartes:  …Je pense, donc je suis — (…I think, therefore I am—)

 Mrs. Descartes (from below):  Rene, vous avez promis de faire sortir les ordures! (Rene, you promised to take out the trash!)

 Descartes:  Madame, s’il vous plait, je suis très occupé par écrire la philosophie profonde ici! Ce que je disais? …Je pense, donc je suis — (Madam, if you please, I am very busy writing profound philosophy here!  What was I saying?… I think, therefore I am—)

 Mrs. Descartes:           Rene, la poubelle emet une odeur offensive!  (Rene, the garbage is emitting an offensive stench!)

 Descartes:  Donnez-moi la paix pour un moment! …Je pense, donc je suis — (Give me peace for one moment!…I think, therefore I am—)

 Mrs. Descartes:           Je vais mourir de ce miasme terrible!  (I will perish from this dreadful miasma!)

 Descartes:  …Je pense, donc je suis —  …Je pense, donc je suis —  [Slaps the table.] Aaah!  Je ne peux plus le supporter!  “Je pense, donc je suis”!  Laissez les imbéciles déchiffrer comme ils le feront!  (I can bear it no longer!  “I think, therefore I am!”  Let the fools decipher it as they will!)

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About Tom Ukinski

Tom Ukinski is an attorney in state government in the Midwest. He's been writing plays, novels, short stories, comedy sketches and screenplays for many years.
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