May 9, 2052

From WAM, Wingless American Media

             [Meville, LeM] Grand Unified Cosmic Ultra-Mega-Lucra All-Powerball winner Watson Zounsgud of Meville, LeM, says he has a “whole new prospective” about what one should do with $1 trillion in lottery winnings.

“Sure, you know,” he told WAM in an exclusive interview after providing the winning ticket-code to the LeMisery State Lottery Commotion this morning in Jeffytown, the state capital, “you bring up the loddery and everbody tells you on cue, ‘I don’t need much,’ and assures you they’s gonna share the winnings with all thur keyuds, relatives, friends, an’ all the charities, homeless people and orphans an’ like ’at.  It’s kinda like incantations to them lottery gods:  ‘Please let me win, cuz I ain’t greedy, an’ I promise to do good.’ I confess I made such pronouncements myself.  But, lookin’ back at what I said so long ago yesterday, it sounds kinda childish, don’t you think?”

Three hundred and sixty-two of Zounsgud’s coworkers at the Meet-Grees Gelatin Manufacturing Co. in Meville have claimed that they purchased all of their ticket-codes as a “syndicate,” including the one with the winning combination of 298 +75, 69۩ 36, 877ῼ4,:-\55, 43☻33, 3♫814, 689∞4, 95☼8◍. But, now, Zounsgud claims that he bought the winner at the Meville Gulp ’n Go, at 300 S. Treeslam Drive, completely on his own, on May 8, 2052, the day before the drawing.  Indeed, ticket sales had risen to over $1 billion that day over the entire American Continental Union (North and South).  “I got my proof right chere,” he says, waving the bar code tattoo on his right thumb.  “This shows I bought this ticket with my own personal credit ident, and you won’t find none of my ex-coworkers and friendses’ names nowhere onnit.”

Indeed, according to Ian Sayyen, the State Accordion General, in the absence of any written, oral or anal contract, the coworkers will have difficulty claiming that the $500.00 ticket was purchased par masse.  Coworker Arpo Plecksie summed up the general consensus of the syndicate by observing, “If I see that ******* ********** again, I’m gonna ******* chop off his ******* ***** with a ******* meat cleaver and beat him to **************death with a *************************************************************************!!!”

Ikon Gedmoore, an attorney with Golden-Demdar-Hills, PC, LOL, which is representing the syndicate, has informed the media that his clients are “wading their options” but are prepared to take their case to the Supremest Court.  Meanwhile, Bill Abel-Hauers, of Hughes, Blusterr & Threadz, Zounsgud’s legal counsel, has released a statement that “negotiations are ongoing and will likely continue for the next few million dollars at least.”

Right after he learned that he had won, while seeking financial, legal, psychiatric, and cosmetic advice prior to cashing in his winnings, Zounsgud happened upon Melanie Rind’s The Virtues of You. After a minute or so of assiduous study, he developed three resolutions.  “First off, God showered me with these blessings, and I think it would be ungrateful to Him to jist give ᾽em away.  Second, I feel that the time has come for me to go out into the world and find my soul mate.  I may have to meet hundreds or even thousands of women before I find her, but I won’t be deterred.  Third, I need to devote myself to findin’ out who I really am.  It may take a lotta dough over a lotta years, but ain’t that what we wuz put on this earth for?”


About Tom Ukinski

Tom Ukinski is an attorney in state government in the Midwest. He's been writing plays, novels, short stories, comedy sketches and screenplays for many years.
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  1. tools in UA says:

    You could definitely see your enthusiasm in the work you write. The sector hopes for even more passionate writers such as you who are not afraid to mention how they believe. At all times follow your heart.

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