Brand New Psycho-Maladies!

New Illnesses

The American Phizziatric Council has announced the discovery of ten new illnesses that have not yet found a home in the D$M Agonostic Codes for Menial Disorders

auto-avoidance syndrome:  inability to look at the drivers in other cars.

clifficornia:  the compulsive desire to make (usually accurate) predictions of financial crises.

involutional dispersion:  spilling the contents of your drink wherever you go.

nil personality disorder:  an abiding sense of one’s pervasive mediocrity.

partinoia:  the uncontrollable feeling that everyone is out.

ring-cycle episodes:  the certainty that your guests will deposit their glasses on your furniture without coasters; also, irrational terror of Wagner.

shāmophrenia:  the overwhelming realization that an acquaintance is waving to someone behind you.

subparel fixation:  itchiness developing in public under three layers of clothing.

teamania:  mass sports idolatry, often leading to color-fetishism, prodigality, intoxication and vehicular paralysis.

ziphoraphobia:  the inescapable fear that your zipper is open.


About Tom Ukinski

Tom Ukinski is an attorney in state government in the Midwest. He's been writing plays, novels, short stories, comedy sketches and screenplays for many years.
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