Brand New Psycho-Maladies!

New Illnesses

The American Phizziatric Council has announced the discovery of ten new illnesses that have not yet found a home in the D$M Agonostic Codes for Menial Disorders

auto-avoidance syndrome:  inability to look at the drivers in other cars.

clifficornia:  the compulsive desire to make (usually accurate) predictions of financial crises.

involutional dispersion:  spilling the contents of your drink wherever you go.

nil personality disorder:  an abiding sense of one’s pervasive mediocrity.

partinoia:  the uncontrollable feeling that everyone is out.

ring-cycle episodes:  the certainty that your guests will deposit their glasses on your furniture without coasters; also, irrational terror of Wagner.

shāmophrenia:  the overwhelming realization that an acquaintance is waving to someone behind you.

subparel fixation:  itchiness developing in public under three layers of clothing.

teamania:  mass sports idolatry, often leading to color-fetishism, prodigality, intoxication and vehicular paralysis.

ziphoraphobia:  the inescapable fear that your zipper is open.

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About Tom Ukinski

Tom Ukinski is an attorney in state government in the Midwest. He's been writing plays, novels, short stories, comedy sketches and screenplays for many years.
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