The Heartbreak of Polyandry

“HUBBY CLUB” STAR SPARED PROSECUTION—FOR NOW

 from WAM, Wingless American Media

 [Blynesade, Tennetucky] It appears that Deborah Karmione will be free from legal persecution, at least through the next season of her popular sorreality show,“Debbie’s Hubby Club.” A source within the office of Dew Porcess, Walkover County Attorney, who requested anonymity, informed WAM that  Mr. Porcess lacks the support of Wye Aistmey, Walkover County Sheriff, in bringing a criminal action against Ms. Karmione for maintaining a brood of seven husbands.

Sheriff Aistmey was reported as telling his deputies that there‚“ain’t nothin᾽ in them books about multiple huzbands.”   One suspects that the business that has been brought to Blynesade since the show hit the airwaves may have been somewhat responsible for inhibiting the hand of justice.  However, it is true that the practice of a woman having multiple male spouses,called polyandry, which was reportedly practiced by ancient Britons and disappeared from Indian and Tibetan society about two generations ago, has remained virtually unknown in the United States, and it can be argued that it may not be illegal, notwithstanding the constitutional formula for marriage as the “union of one man and one woman.”

Some academics believe that polyandry is definitely superior to polygamy. “Think of it this way,” says Dr. Phaella Fishblank, professor of agropolitics at Harvard-Nogeela University,“it makes a lot more sense to use a lot of bags of manure on one field than to spread one bag over several fields.”

One might imagine that the Karmione household would be replete with sexual tension, but the show reveals that a very cooperative social unit is maintained.  “Debbie is very careful to maintain an equitable schedule of her time with all of us,“ says Chad Snaggler, Husband No. 7, “although she reserves to cancel any ‘date᾽ without notice.”  Life among the Messers Karmione isn’t all patches and chrome, however.  “Sure, there’s an occasional bit of jealousy and butchiness flaring up among the drones,“ reports Ganoff Kacksure, Huband No. 5, “but Debbie is very patient with all of us.”

Ms. Kamione is an anthroapology teacher at Blynesade  Commodity College, and her classes always fill up quickly, especially, “Primitive Mating Practices in North America, 2000 A.D. ” But the largest (and largely unwelcome) turnout occurs for her sex education classes at Blynesade High School.  Many of the alleged “students” are middleaged adults, primarily women, attempting to infiltrate the class. “We have to  escort a lot of ladies and gents to the door each term,” says Principal Les Nawtshelwie.  “They imagine they᾽ll learn some lurid details they don’t get from the show.”

Some piquant information is obtained from watching “Hubby Club,“ however.  For example, there are various numbering system of husbands, besides order of marriage.  Husband No. 3,

Praescius Traesure, is first in terms of sexual prowess, while Dens Fandango, Husband No. 2, rates highest in domesticity.   Nurl Fangerfail, Husband No. 4, is definitely first in fertility, inasmuch as he is the father of four of the family’s six children.  Husband No. 1, Boris Orbius, is the only stay-at-home dad and full-time nanny, though the others work various shifts in order to be available.  “The fam gets pretty darn excited when Debbie’s expecting,” says Orbius.  The cost of genetic testing is a significant part of the family budget.  “We all hope that Nurl hasn’t gotten the bullseye again,” confesses Tekkal Blamm, Husband No. 6.  “Four of us have gotten pretty emotional, at times, about being denied the role of ‘biological daddy,’ which we believe is the reason that God created men.  But, doggone it, we just keep pitching!”

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About Tom Ukinski

Tom Ukinski is an attorney in state government in the Midwest. He's been writing plays, novels, short stories, comedy sketches and screenplays for many years.
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