Political Dictionary

From Divine Play, pp. 487-93

Excerpts from Billy Reolli’s Dictionary for a “Real” Society

 Billy Reolli is the host of VEXNEWS’s Flat on the Ground and author of Right Now (and Always), Scra-Un: Vexxy Press, 2044.

American people. n.phr. A mythological group frequently cited by politicians as the inspiration for, or beneficiaries of their decisions, as in “the American people demand action,” or “the American people want an answer.” KingCongressional denizens prefer this phrase to less euphonious terms, such as “campaign contributors,” “lobbyists,” or “source of big fat consultation fees after I retire from public service.”

challenging career. n. phr. Utopian phrase used in job applications and late-night broadcast advertising by vocational schools. Its first recorded use to impress a potential employer occurred in Assyria, c. 824 BCE, when Thaggmud, a wheelwright, accosted Ur, owner of Ur’s Chariot Repair Shoppe, with, “I, Thaggmud, [healer] of wheels, seek [naught] in this [life], excepting [that which] challenges.” An effective variant turned up in Rome, circa 37 CE, in a letter to the Emperor Caligula from Vinshavius the Wineservant: “I am . . . continent in all things in heaven and earth, saving only a trade that may challenge me.” Unfortunately, a month later, the Emperor had Vinshavius disemboweled for dropping a tray.

Civil Unrest Professional (CUP).See tearist.

comedyn. 1. The cinematic display of bodily functions and secretions, particularly in situations involving debasement or humiliation. 2. The portrayal of biogenetic processes, especially human mating. 3. Mockery of any group, society, or social class where not prohibited by law or inhibited by lobbyists.

Congress. n. 1. A meeting. 2. Intercourse. 3. An organism devoted to meetings and intercourse.  4. Now Kingcongress.

correct me if I’m wrong.Expression used exclusively by persons convinced of their infallibility.

Democrat.n. [Lemurian dimenkrakaticketicklez, “give it all away”] One who favors strong central government, a casual army, labor over business, an unobtrusive caste system, sincere philosophical discussions in lieu of religion, welfare (see welfare) for the benefit of (mythological) sincere, hardworking victims of calamities and evil (political) dispensations. Now Redeemocan.

drama.n. A series (from one half-hour to six hours in length) of miseries and misfortunes, usually caused by upbringing, addiction, war, disease, love, economics, government, or artistic aspirations, presented without explanations or resolutions that would impede the histrionics.

freedom. n. [Cro-Magnon fri-di-dommy-dum, “My hair’s on fire!”] 1. Polysemant used by military empires to justify violations of international law. Term often involves either contextual ambivalence (e.g., where the “freedom” is imposed by force) or ironic humor (e.g., “We freedthem from their oil wells”). 2. Mythic principle commonly described by statement, “No one can tell you what to do.” This verbal fallacy may have been intentional, i.e., “No one can tell you what to do, but everyone may tell you what to do.” In modern democratic nations, physical coercion (except in areas of loyalty-enforcement) has been obviated by the cultivation of acquisitive desires, deprivational fears, and innate chuckleheadedness of the masses, in, e.g., fuel (shill) production, fashion feudalism, credit cartels, defense “opportunities,” and the cultural bureaucracies built around education, marriage, death, real estate, alcohol, sports, finance, and celebrity worship.

freedom of speech.n. Purported right of citizens to say whatever they want, whenever they want, to whomever they want, without fear of suppression, censure, or retribution. Exceptions: any speech involving obscenity, disloyalty, slander, sexism, racism, ageism, religious bias, autism, machismo, loud talking, self-talking (except on cell phone), foreign language, dysarthria, dyslalia, Tourette’s syndrome, gibberish, or laughter without excuse.

hip-hop (rap).n. Poetic expression of spiritual longing, love of the eternal, respect for womankind, and the need to transcend oneself, accompanied by original, infinitely subtle, and endlessly inventive melodic lines.

House of Representatives. n. phr.1. Patronage agents. 2. Legislative group skilled at combining obscurity, duplicity, treachery, and triviality into a thousand-page law. 3. Now House of Preventatives.

I don’t care if someone is blue, green, or purple.Self-gratifying, self-aggrandizing assertion that is precisely antipodal to the speaker’s genuine attitudes, evidenced by: (a) the choice of darker colors; (b) the avoidance of any color (erroneously) associated with an actual racial group, as if to say, “I would be friendly and fair-minded to anyone whose skin color was not black, brown, red, or yellow.”

I don’t have a problem with that.Statement used by facilitator/leader/opponent to fend off accusations of racism and/or closed-mindedness while he or she conceives, for casual delivery, a legitimate-sounding reason why no rational, caring, nonscumbag individual would permit “that,” e.g., equal rights, gay marriage, immigration, independent thought, miscegenation.

I’ll have to think about it. 1. A tautology, since humans must think, and “it” has already been thought. 2. In sales, an escape hatch that must be slammed shut ahead of the customer through Machiavellian candor. Variant: I’ll have to talk to my wife/husband.3. In recruitment, a “tell” that the applicant awaits word of a better offer.

immigrant.n. [Paleolithic German imaug groent, “Can I have a bite?”] 1. Odd-looking person that communicates with funny guttural, nasal, or singsong noises instead of a real language. 2. Human being that dresses weird, smells bad, and keeps trying to invade your space and steal your job so that your family starves to death. 3. Anybody from somewhere else.

learning experience.n. phr.1. Rationalizing representation of any incident, event, or experience for which no use, benefit, purpose, or relevance can be identified. 2. Any incident, event, or experience that an individual intends never to repeat.

lot to think about, a. n. phr. 1. Customary critique of any speech, poetry reading, play, lecture, or public performance in which no artistic merit, logic, pertinence, or positive quality can be discerned.  2. Ready-made commentary for those who were unable to pay attention to the speech, poetry reading, play, lecture, or public performance. 3. That which is immediately forgotten.

message.n.1. Pathetic pretext for a political campaign. 2. That which the moronic candidate insists on articulating as the most important outcome, superseding his or her election, i.e., “getting the message out.” Voters, of course, have already “gotten” the message, which is: Love me, baby, more than the other one!

not just talk the talk, but walk the walk.n. phr. Creators of government and fashion designed this phrase to distinguish “the walk” from “the talk” (an ornamentum absque varietā, or “distinction without a difference”) and to convince the public that “walking” was more genuine than “talking,” though they are equally superficial and simulational. Exemplified by politicians’ “photo ops” (wearing hard hat, “shopping” in “super mall-ket,” chatting with bysitters on their front porches). These depictions stave off demands of rabble for authenticity in its icons, which would effect a catastrophic renewal of society in the aggrandizement of virtue and philanthropy over triumphalism, to the detriment of our functional, durable, nineteenth-century economic weltanschauung.

on the right track.n. phr.Well-worn railway metaphor, used primarily by politicians to claim that a solution to a problem or remedy for a social malady is at work, without being required to provide evidence. The phrase is rendered more absurd by the fact that in many areas of the world, only a single track has been laid, prompting one to inquire how anyone can be on the “wrong” track.

poetry.n. [prob. African Am. po’tree, as in “Dat po’ po’ tree / Dat gwine be hangin’ me” (“Blueswana,” 1706)] Self-appreciative, purposeless, arrhythmic, trite “trickle of consciousness,” whose chief advantage is that it never needs revision, written and published by academics who teach courses on outmoded forms of “poetry” that were afflicted with such onerous restraints as rhyme, meter, rhythm, grace, euphony, symbolism, metaphor, viewpoint, passion, and spiritual significance.

politically correct.Term of derogation, devised by individuals frustrated by the suppression of familiar and comfortable language from their idyllic childhoods concerning race, ethnicity, religion, sexuality, or disability, such as: bitch, burrhead, camel-jockey, chief, chink, coon, cracker, crip, c*nt, dago, dyke, faggot, fairy, frog, fruit, hayseed, hebe, hick, hillbilly, ho’, homo, injun, jap, jig, moron, ni* * *r, phebe, polack, p*ssy, queer, raghead, redskin, retard, rube, sabu, sambo, spazz, spick, yid, etc.

Republican.n. [Gonwandalandian rupi-upi-candi-bekkan, “I was here first”] One who favors weak centralized government; disciplined (but not unduly expensive) army; well-defined caste system; business over labor, unrestricted right to declare one’s adherence to any Christian church; unrestricted gun ownership (limited to law-abiding, tidy, moral folk who know how to manage their money); and restricted taxation (limited to lawless, slovenly, amoral folk who would otherwise fritter their money away). Now Publicrat.

right.n. [prob. derived from Gaelic-German slang phrase wie aul hiff gourd givne rotz, “Vermin! Get thee hither from my stuff!”] Sufferance mistakenly regarded as guarantees to citizens of democratic capitalist nations, e.g., rights to speech, thought, livelihood, happiness, and life. The “rights” on which citizens more commonly rely include: the right to be ridiculed, the right to abuse (children, spouses, emotions, machinery), the right to swindle the ignorant, the right to plunder the weak, the right to annoy women, the right to exploit oneself, and the (government’s) right to lie.

right to life. n. phr.[Assyrian ah blieef in ritliffyan, “He’s still breathing, chop him!”] Principle that all homo sapiens sapiensmust be allowed (forced) to be born. Note that this right does not include corollary rights to food, health, safety, education, nurture, etc.

Senate. n. [Latin senatus, “assembly of old men”] Cf. House of Representatives. Now Synod.

tear.  \te(ə)r,tā(ə)r \ n. [Old Texan tear, fear, and tearfied, extremely frightened] 1. The use of violence as a form of political statement or for the advancement of a political, religious, social, or other agenda. 2. An emotion of fear.

tearist.n. 1. Individual who practices tear. 2. Civil Unrest Professional (CUP).

think outside the box.d.s. 1. Insipid metaphor allegedly encouraging creative thought. 2. A pre-strained, administratively approved sentiment designed to produce the inverse of originality. As a geometric figure, a box not only defines the space within it but the emptiness around it. 3. A pleonasm: one must of necessity think “outside” the box, since one “inside” a box is dead.

we could do it that way.Statement used to distract the audience while the facilitator/leader thinks of the many reasons why doing it that way would be foolish, wasteful, or harmful.

welfare.n. [Middle High Low Saxon German woelfauer, leach] 1. Money taken from the pockets of hardworking middle-class people and given to dark-skinned, indolent males who take drugs all day and rob convenience stores all night. 2. Government handouts to people too lazy to get up off their dead asses and get a job, e.g., infants.

who I really am.rel. cl.1. Transitory attribute of a human being, usually regarded as the essence of a person or the ultimate purpose of existence. 2. Catchphrase for those publicizing their sexual orientation.

Why am I here? int. s.Sentiment expressed by philosophically inclined protagonists in cinema or popular fiction. Variants: What is it all for?, Why do I exist?, What is my purpose?, Does my life have meaning?Since filmmakers and authors have no idea how to respond and no time to devote to reflection, they customarily have the protagonist die or fall in love, obviating the issue.

                                                                   APPENDIX:  “Support Our Troops”

What Was Said                                                        What Was Meant

Support Our Troops Word association, creating a conceptual (but not actual) link between the administration and the welfare of soldiers in combat, without the obligation of providing sufficient man power, weaponry, armor, safeguards, medical care, or supplies to conduct an invasion.
Support Our Troops “Support” was used in the imperative mood, as in: “(You) support our troops (we can’t or won’t).”
Support Our Troops By “troops” was meant cabinet members, policy wonks, flunkies, advisors, gofers, lobbyists, defense contractors, administrative staff, and the leaders of any oil-producing nations.
Sport Our Troops “Sport” is an old hacker term for sending out data without concern for its safety or security.
Supporter Droops Puerile humor.
Spoor Truo Troppus “Support Our Troops,” read backward. Pidgin Latin for “You stink,” or, literally, “You leave a trail of yellowish discharge wherever you go.”

About Tom Ukinski

Tom Ukinski is an attorney in state government in the Midwest. He's been writing plays, novels, short stories, comedy sketches and screenplays for many years.
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