WAS ABE LINCOLN REALLY A BRIT?
From WAM, Wingless American Media
[NEW YAK, X-YORK] “It’s all true! He was born in London,” sobbed Wilmer “Stubby” Lincoln, the great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson of Abraham Lincoln, 16th President of the United States, during an interview with Ike Mellish on “Sixty Seconds” last Sunday. Beginning in the 1950’s, following the brilliant expose of Lincoln by historian Bob Newhart, PhuD., scholars had suspected that “Honest Abe” was a public relations fabrication, but no one had realized that he was not an American citizen, until Steven Spielberg released his spectacular film, Lincoln.
As a result of a painstaking reconstruction of history, it is now believed that Lincoln was born in the slums of Last End, London, in 1809, and earned his living as a “booster,” lifting wealthy persons of short stature onto platforms, horses and coaches, especially those too intoxicated to manage on their own. Soon, however, Abe was spotted by famed American theatrical agent Osgood Sleighthand and brought to America. Though he was initially forced to endure the grind of circus sideshows, in which he appeared on stilts as “Señor Gigante,” Abraham was eventually brought under the tutelage of the renowned public relations firm of Falsch, Fantasia & Mentiri, and cultivated to present himself as an “axman and ruffian” from Kentucky. He was elected as a Republicrat President in 1860.
Occasionally, Abraham reverted to his origins in his speeches and writings. The text of the Gettysburg address, for example, initially read “four score and seven bloomin’ years ago.” In addition, the historic presidential issuance of September 22, 1862 was originally entitled the “Emancipaetion Proclamaetion,” until Secretary of State William H. Seward intervened.
Once Lincoln was unveiled to American moviegoers, the media indulged in a feuding frenzy, quoting political scientists to the effect that Abe had violated Section 1 of Article Two of the United States Constitution, which mandates that “[n]o person except a natural born Citizen” is eligible for election to the Office of President. Democans and Republicrats alike have seized on this revelation as proof that more restrictive immigration laws must be enacted.
The “Honorable Correction of History Association” (HOCHA) promptly decreed that Lincoln had been shorn of his title as “Greatest American President.” The title was then passed to the First Runner-Up, George W. Bush.