It’s Obvious! Eliminate 47%!


 From WAM, Wingless American Media

[CINSANITI, HO] Presidential candidate Romeo Bamany startled supporters and detractors alike with the most comprehensive plan yet proposed for solving America’s financial crisis:  the “harvesting” of the bodies of 47% of the population, or approximately 147,654,855 citizens.

“Reducing dependence on government has always been my number one goal,” Bamany told members of OUCH (Old Unscrupulous Caucasians Controlling History) at its 8,678th annual meeting.  “My plan would not only delete unproductive individuals, but also eliminate the necessity for a majority of government agencies, which, as we all know, maintain a parasitic relationship with neediness.”

Bamany estimated that, assuming a “reclamation rate” of 10,000 per day, the federal deficit would turn into a surplus within 41 days.  “And, of course, we know exactly who the 147 million are,” he quipped.

“Traffic congestion would be a thing of the past,” he joked.  He also urged his audience to consider the health benefits.  “The average adult human body has six quarts of blood.  We’d never need any more.  And think of all the available body parts!  Even if you eliminate the bad ones, you’re looking at 100 million hearts and livers, and 200 million eyes, lungs and kidneys.”  This surplus, he noted, would give a tremendous boost to the T-WHOLE (Toenail, Wig, Heart, Organ and Limb Exportation) industry.

Bamany also pointed out that a human body is composed of at least sixty chemical elements, including carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, phosphorus, potassium, sulfur, sodium, chlorine, and magnesium—all the necessities of life.  With that much of a storehouse at our disposal, he said, “we can significantly reduce our reliance on foreign elements.”

Other blessings of this “hominal diminution” would include drastic decreases in the incidence of crime, disease and celebrity, as well as an overabundance of food, drugs and beer.  In order to counter the resultant precipitant decline in revenues for the law enforcement, health care, cinema worship, and alcohol/medication industries, the candidate recommended that a “respiration tax” be imposed, based upon the projected number of breaths allotted to each life span.

Bamany added that this “occupational depletion” would certainly not resolve the housing crisis, since the survivors would have an incentive to live in unoccupied homes rather than pay their rent or mortgages.  But this could be mitigated by strict enforcement of vagrancy laws.  In any event, “Nobody’s stupid enough to be in real estate any more.” This remark drew an uproar of mirth and applause from the crowd.

The presidential hopeful unsettled the audience somewhat by admitting that unemployment figures would very likely increase among the survivors, due to the “predictable dampening of outlook” caused by the loss of loved ones and friends.   But our country’s workers, he assured his listeners, would soon be back on the job, due to the strength of our ingrained mercantile work ethic.  In addition, he observed that, “the survivors would have a healthy apprehension that prolonged idleness might land them on the eligibility list for the next purge.”


About Tom Ukinski

Tom Ukinski is an attorney in state government in the Midwest. He's been writing plays, novels, short stories, comedy sketches and screenplays for many years.
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