Stare Wars


Divine Play, pp. 250-252

Greatest Cinema → Stage → TV → Novel → Cinema Adaptations Ever!

Stare Wars V: Empire Ascendant A Stage Adaptation by Danny Mammy

Meat locker on the floating city of Aspirin. LUCKY CLOUDANCER steps onto the circular platform, right. He wears jeans and a white T-shirt that says VOODA’S BOY. In the middle of the platform is the darkened pit of the carbon-freeze chamber, where Handsome Soloist has been fast-frozen for shipment to Tattooville. Suddenly bright light floods the area, and DIRK “BLOODBATH” BADER emerges from the blackness at left. Bader is dressed in black leather and wears a black leather scarf on his head. He puffs occasionally and noisily on a cigarette-shaped life-support tube.

BADER: You got the moves, kid. But you ain’t no Jetty. So you ain’t shit.

[Lucky puts on the “laser mitts” hanging from his belt, which are iridescent boxing gloves. Bader takes one last puff on his life-support tube and puts on his mitts. They begin to spar. Bader slips inside Lucky’s left jab and counters with a left hook to thebody and scores with a right to the chin, knocking Lucky into the darkness around the freezer-pit.]

BADER: Jesus, Junior, you disappoint me. I figured you for a full round at least. [Lucky emerges from the darkness.] Huh! O. B. trained you good. Real good.

LUCKY: [Smiling slyly.] Yeah . . . O. B . . . I know shit you never heard of!

[Lucky rushes Bader, who sidesteps and stops him with a left jab and a straight right.]

BADER: You got guts, kid. And speed. But you gotta deliver murder behind it. You hear me, boy? The only way out of a slaughterhouse is over the bodies. [Holds out his gloved hands, palms upward, gestures toward himself.]

Come on, baby. Me first.

[Bader swings a wild right as Lucky snaps back and connects with a left hook to the body, pivots, and switches the hook to the chin. Bader topples off the platform. Lucky steps down after him. Bader stands and idly adjusts his mitts. As Lucky moves in,Bader releases marbles from his mitts. Lucky stumbles and hits the large silver freezer down center. As Bader approaches, Lucky, grimacing in pain, presses his back against the freezer.]

BADER: There’s no place to get to I ain’t already there, kid. Nobody to go to I don’t own. I can hurt you bad, real bad. Don’t make me hurt you!

LUCKY: Kiss my ass.

[Bader rips off the mitt on Lucky’s right hand and crunches the hand under his boot.  Lucky howls, puts his hand under his left armpit, and crawls onto the semicircular beam extending from the stage. Lucky and Bader are facing the audience.]

BADER: Jesus! You’re so . . . innocent—ignorant, more likely—of how you figure into this. O. B. is dead . . . They’re all dyin’ out there. Because of what? The territorial imperative. Sure, kid. It ain’t just about protectin’ what’s yours—but also the urge to violate.

LUCKY: It’s the dark side that’s—

BADER: Aw, grow up for Christ’s sake! Dark side, light side, empire, republic! It’s all happening at once, and always has. It’s an alternating current we’re carrying around—all of us, everywhere! . . . [Reflectively, chuckling.] O. B. . . .that righteous son of a bitch. Never any moral dilemmas for him, huh? He taught you it was all one war. Well, it’s one war apiece, inside . . . for every mother’s son—and daughter. [Bader looks at him.] But, see, you and me [wags finger at him amusedly] . . . You ’n’ me, we could use the current against itself. We could end the fighting—give ’em peace. Don’t you want that, kid?

LUCKY: Go to hell!

BADER: [Pause.] O.B. never told you how your old man ended up.

LUCKY: He told me. He told me you killed him.

BADER: He told you dick. I’m your goddam father.

LUCKY: Bullshit!

BADER: [Chuckling.] You bare your teeth like a believer, boy.

LUCKY: It’s a goddam lie!

BADERI got no time for this, Junior. Just focus. Think about what I’m offerin’. The two of us, together, in a galactic surgical strike. Removing the malignancy—the emperor himself. He knows it’s gonna happen! Come on, son. [Holding out his hand.] This way, everybody wins.

[Lucky leaps into the orchestra pit. Bader looks down.]

BADER: Dumb shit.


About Tom Ukinski

Tom Ukinski is an attorney in state government in the Midwest. He's been writing plays, novels, short stories, comedy sketches and screenplays for many years.
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